EastEnders Phil Mitchell To 'Get Angry' In Christmas Day Special

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 18 August 2007

image for EastEnders Phil Mitchell To 'Get Angry' In Christmas Day Special
BBC1 8:00pm - more misery and murder

Phil Mitchell, the soft-centred bully boy of Albert Square, has been given the limelight again in the Christmas Day edition of the BBC soap EastEnders.

Fresh from his horrific near-marriage experience with the now-dead 'child abuser' Stella, Phil comes in for some stick from his arch-enemy, caterer Ian Beale, played by Adam Woodentop.

Ian blames Phil for allowing Stella to bully Ben, and the two execute a 'Walford standoff' - an intricate manoeuvre, involving Phil ramming Ian's head down the toilet and flushing, once again - before Beale threatens to take the little lad away and make him a partner in his Cafe and Chippy empire.

The custody battle rages for four months until Christmas Day, when Phil, dressed in a Santa suit for the Queen Vic Santa's Grotto, tells Ben he's going to provide the lad with "the best Christmas present ever", and storms across to the cafe.

Once there, he corners his quarry in amongst the frozen peas, and unleashes months of pent-up anger on the sad cafe owner by raining blows down upon his bonce, pummelling it into mush . He then calmly places a sprig of mistletoe on the defeated Ian, before urinating into what is left of his face, and returning to the Vic in time to distribute gifts to the expectant kids.

BBC bosses have been criticised recently for allowing too much violence on the show which has seen Dennis Rickman stabbed to death, Danny Moon shot, Andy Hunter pushed off a motorway bridge, Den Watts bashed over the head and buried under a concrete floor and Pauline Fowler 'fell over to death', but the show's producers remain unrepentant.

Series story producer Dominic Creadwell-Tollins said:

"Santa, turkey, presents, misery, mayhem and murder. What more could viewers want on Christmas Day?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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