Written by James Wallin

Monday, 11 June 2007

image for Paris Hilton scared of going to the toilet in prison
Paris Hilton contemplating string theory: "That's so deep. How long IS a piece?"

Socialite and TV star, Paris Hilton, has admitted that she is terrified of going to the bathroom whilst in prison. The teary-eyed society girl said that in normal circumstances she "has a woman in" to do "all that nasty business" for her.

Apparently Hilton has only ever been to the toilet once in her life, as part of a challenge on her TV show "The Simple Life", and described the experience as "humiliating, vulgar and hard on the knees." When asked if the challenge had involved a number one or number two, Hilton was visibly confused and was seen to stare hard at her fingers before calling for a calculator.

The pampered playgirl has been warned that she will also have to make do without other creature comforts, such as her personal bathers, sweat double, stair climber and the guy who focuses her eyes for her.

Hilton checked herself out of prison last week after having served only seven and half minutes of her 23 day sentence. At the time she blamed "stress related illness"; however, she was rushed back to the courtroom within 48 hours, after it was revealed that she had actually bribed another inmate to be stress relatedly ill for her. Grizelda Pumhazzard, a 47 year-old arsonist, is said to have faked the illness for Hilton, in exchange for a photo of her magic bean.

George Clooney, meanwhile, has branded the hotel heiress a "brainless publicity seeker", during a bleach swallowing contest to promote the thought-provoking Ocean's Thirteen.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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