Paris Hilton Says "I'm Learning And Growing" in Prison Statement

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Sunday, 10 June 2007

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In a statement released from the Los Angeles twin towers prison, Paris Hilton said that she is "learning and growing." She also said that she has decided not to appeal her sentence and will serve out the rest of her time.

When asked to describe the things that she has learned, Paris elaborated with the following:

"There's this metal thing in my cell called a toilet. Now, I never knew that they started to stink if someone didn't flush them or clean them. See, I never had any idea what the little know on the side was for."

"It's also really fun to watch the water swirl around in circles as it goes down. I must have flushed that thing a hundred times the first day, just for something to do. I also tried squeezing the Charmin when no one was looking, but they told me it wasn't a crime and I could still get out early for good behaviour. All I can say is that Mr. Whipple was a liar and should be in prison too!"

"They've also got this really new invention in there, and they give me one every morning. It's what they call a newspaper. There's stories in it about politics and other countries and sports and comics and even some ads. They have got just the cutest shoes going on sale at Macy's on Wednesday! Anyway, in this newspaper thing, it's better than the news on tv because you don't have boring old men like Dan Jennings or Peter Broke Off or Tom Rather just reading stuff. You can actually pick what you want to read."

"I also learned that it's a good thing if Big Wanda wants you to be her bitch cuz everyone treats you real nice then."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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