Paris Hitlon pleads to choose her own cellmate

Funny story written by queen mudder

Thursday, 17 May 2007

image for Paris Hitlon pleads to choose her own cellmate
Lynwood's special needs housing facility

California - (Ass Mess): Feeling confident after securing a fifty per cent remission on her 45 day sentence for 'good behavior' Paris Hilton is now demanding new conditions prior to entering the 'special needs housing unit' at Century Regional Detention Centre in Lynwood, California next month.

Firstly she will be able to select her own cellmate rather than being assigned 'some bulldyke psycho' on a first come first served basis that the jail's Governor might allot.

Next she will at all times be known under an assumed name: Miss Waldorf Astoria or Ms Pierre Plaza or some such equally anonymous-sounding but pleasant alternative.

All inmates in the 24-woman correctional facility will sign legaly-binding gagging clauses on their penal contracts forbidding them from speaking to Ms Hilton unless they are first spoken to, taking photographs or items of her clothing as souvenir trophies.

Her breakfast is to be served at 9am and her bathroom scrubbed prior to her daily bathe according to hygiene regulations laid down by the management of the Beverly Hills Wilshire.

A selection of her personal toiletries is to be made available each day as well as clean bed linen, towels and clothing.

The facility's Governor is also being asked to sign a contract ensuring photos and/or videos of Ms Hilton will never be taken or used for personal advantage. This will include all prison records following Ms Hilton's release which is to be not later than 24 hours after her intitial incarceration.

All subsequent references to her prison stay will be in the context of a 'charitable visit' on behalf of her 'new fledgeling role' as a 'UN ambassador for women's global health issues'.

And finally her DUI records and subsequent matters will be erased from public archives and replaced with her publicist's preferred recollection of events.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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