"Bennifer" Breakup a Vicious Hoax Designed to Sidetrack "Gigli 2"

Funny story written by dalepetrie

Tuesday, 27 January 2004

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Bennifer, Alive and Well

The Hollywood power couple Jennifer Lopez (aka J. Lo) and Ben Affleck (aka B. Aff), collectively known as "Bennifer", has not called it quits as reported earlier.  According to their spokesman Matt Damon (no relation to B Aff's "Good Will Hunting" co-star), the couple, who became the most famous celebrities in the history of Hollywood with the release of their worldwide smash hit movie "Gigli", are still enormously in love with each other, and are currently finishing up work on "Gigli 2".  The rumor that "Bennifer" was no more was apparently spread by New Line, which intends to release its own lesbian themed spy drama over the Memorial Day Holiday, the same date on which it is anticipated that Sony will be releasing the sure to be blockbuster "Gigli 2:  In It For the Money".
It is rare for a legitimate movie studio to feel the need to go to such extreme lengths as trying to sabotage the competition via negative publicity.  However, one can understand why New Line would feel threatened, given the enormous success of "Gigli".  Not only did "Gigli" make the #1 spot on the 2003 top ten list for every single one of the 465 film critics working today, but experts searching Google, Alta Vista, Lycos and 10 other major search engines between the August release of "Gigli" and December 31 when it finally left theaters, failed to find one single internet user with anything negative to say about the movie.  Roger Ebert went as far as to say that "Gigli" had replaced "Citizen Kane" as his favorite movie ever made, and in fact made Kane look like "a steaming pile of dog crap" in comparison.  To further exacerbate New Line's woes, "Gigli" was not only an overwhelming critical success, but it also shattered all box office records, nearly tripling the 1.84 billion dollar worldwide gross of "Titanic" which itself nearly doubled the gross of the next highest grossing film of all time ("Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"). 
As for their relationship, "Bennifer" is still going strong, but there are no plans for a wedding as yet.  B. Aff is reportedly ready for the altar, but J. Lo is a bit more cautious, as she considers marriage to be the most sacred of bonds, and has vowed to never marry or give up her virginity until she is 100% sure she has met the man she will spend the rest of her life with.  For now, "Bennifer" will have to be happy with the success of "Gigli", which won an unprecedented 23 of the 24 Golden Globes for which it was nominated, and as was just announced today, has now been nominated for an unheard of 45 Oscars. It's hard to imagine "Gigli 2" outdoing the original, but it hardly matters to the couple who say they are now billionaires and do not need the money, but they're doing the film anyway for two reasons.  First, it gives them the opportunity to work together, and second, they believe the script is simply amazing…with the entertainment value of a Jerry Bruckheimer film combined with the complexity of Magnolia.   

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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