Keanu Reeves Home Raided For Animal Endangerment

Funny story written by CrazyTexan

Friday, 19 December 2003

image for Keanu Reeves Home Raided For Animal Endangerment
Artists Conception of Reeves' Mouse

Early Tuesday morning the Los Angeles County sheriffs department raided actor Keanu Reeves' Hollywood estate. The raid took place after an anonymous tip made the week before. Reeves was taken out in hand cuffs and animal control officers carted off dozens of boxes.

Deputy Alex Rodriquez was one of the officers who took part in the raid, "It was terrible, and there were animal carcasses everywhere. I've been on drug busts with less death."

Apparently the actor had a huge number of rodents for pets. Low estimates put the count at around 170,000 mice. He had built an elaborate tunnel system that spanned room to room with dozens of cages. According to animal control officers the few thousand mice he originally bought had bred uncontrollably for over a year forcing Reeves to expand the cages all over the estate.

Reeves was apparently ashamed of his inability to take care of the mice, so he kept the ones who died within the house itself. Two-foot heaps of lifeless mice were piled in the corners with a shovel, and the loose mice in the house feasted on the dead. In some of the rooms the mouse droppings were six inches deep, and the whole place smelled of urine.

The actor reportedly resisted arrest and drew a gun as the officers stormed the estate. A short gun battle ensued as Reeves fired randomly in the air and hid behind the mounds of dead mice. The SWAT team returned fire, but the mouse carcasses absorbed the fire and kept Reeves out of harm. Eventually the actor ran out of bullets, and took to throwing mice at the officers while screaming, "Go for the eyes! Go for the eyes!"

Only one officer was seriously injured in the gun battle when a mouse flew and hit him in the eye. All officers had numerous bites, as the mice entered into a rage to protect their master. The actor and his feral mice were then restrained with pepper spray and cattle prods.

"Truly one of the most tragic cases of animal abuse in LA ever," stated Animal Control officer Michelle Luvanimal. "I'm going to have nightmares about this one. There were so many mice, and they looked so sad and depressed. [He] turned harmless rodents into savage killers who ate their own."

Authorities are contemplating using pet psychics and counselors to help the mentally scared rodents. "We just don't have the resources," Michelle said weeping. "There are just too many, too many mice."

Reeves has been charged with 87,000 counts of animal endangerment, resisting arrest, and possession of a hand gun without a license. If convicted on all counts he could spend the next eight millennia in prison. Reeves is expected to post a six million dollar bail today.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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