NBC to Remake The Bionic Woman

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 14 May 2007

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Jamie Sommers will once again run in slow motion across American television screens. NBC had announced that a new version of "The Bionic Woman" will be in their fall line-up.

The original television series was a spin-off of The Six Million Dollar Man in the 1970's. In the show, school teacher Jamie Sommers has an accident and is fitted with robotic legs, a robotic arm, and a computerized ear. These experimental limbs give her super speed, super strength, and super hearing.

In the updated show, the character is a stripper in a Las Vegas show. After and explosion causes her to lose her privates, her tongue, her breasts, and parts of her throat, they are replaced with robotic "bionic" pieces. She is then moved to a Washington D.C. brothel, where she becomes and employee of the government.

She uses her bionic parts to over-satisfy foreign dignitaries and diplomats and high ranking U.S. officials to get them to reveal goverment secrets. Her agency, the C.I.A., then acts on this information.

When she is threatened, Jamie is able to strangle her attackers in multiple ways. "Her thighs can crush a hammer like a coke can, and so can her breasts," said one cast member who asked to remain anonymous.

Jamie's love interest will not be former astronaut and test pilot Steve Austin, as in the original series. She also will not battle against bigfoot, fembots, or space aliens.

When asked how they could justify these sex acts on a television show in prime time, series co-producer Lance Studley said, "they're just robotic parts, so we should be able to get away with it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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