I enrolled in comedy boot camp, and it hurt! The Sarge was a jerk, always yelling and spitting when he talked, and forcing us to come up with jokes on the fly.
I snuck in a recorder, just in case his abuse got too crazy and I had to sue his ass. Here’s some of what he said to us new recruits:
“You get your ass under that wire, soldier, or I will lampoon you! I will tear you a new opening joke – do I make myself clear?”
“Sergeant, yes, Sergeant!”
“You, maggots – you puny little headliners! What’s your name? Never mind – think you’re so funny – I’ll call you Mr. Funnybones! But I ain’t laughin’! Drop and give me twenty-five puns!
"You there, scumbag! You call that an act? You call yourself a prop comic? Drop and give me 10 sledgehammer smashes that would put Gallagher to shame! Move!
"Is that a swordfish or are you just happy to see me? Oh, so you two are a comedy duo? Well I can’t tell who’s the straight man and who’s Mister Goddamn Punchline! You’re all punchlines, maggots, and you’re dying up there! Give me 50 zingers – now! Then drop and give me 5 limericks, 15 set-ups, and one helluva solid closer!
"You, Mister Improv – give me a location and a profession – and make it good – give it legs and a smaltzy ending – if I don’t hear people ooo and aahhh then I want my money back! ‘Yes, And’ – ‘Yes, And’ – ‘Yes, And’ – know the rules before you break the rules, maggots! I don’t hear any miming over here!
"You, walk against the wind! I hate mimes – make me love you!
"You call yourself a clown? Where’s your goddamn funny nose, son? How about that monstrosity you call a costume – too high and mighty for floppy shoes? Maybe in Commie China that plays – but I don’t hear Chinese laughter round these parts, do you?
"Now everybody on your feet – it’s time for your two-mile schtick walk! And make it funny!
"You – drop and give me 25 knock-knock jokes – and don’t say ‘orange you glad I didn’t say banana’! And speaking of bananas – NO BANANAS!
"Practice playing to the audience – no pet tricks and nothing about the wacky things kids say – that’s their comedy, not yours! I want satire, I want one-liners, I want ‘Yo Mama So Fat’ jokes! I want to hear them loud and proud – now move!”
Two weeks of that … in the words of Steve Martin, “Comedy’s not pretty”.
