Chris Rock will not do another Oscars. Will Smith has scarred him for life, and now Chris hides in a closet in his mansion with a knife poised, sweating, eyes darting left and right, twitching with fear at every creak of the house. Look what you did, Will. Terror in a slap. Who will attempt to host next year, and will Will be waiting for them?
A spokesperson for Smith said: “His hand has tasted blood … and wants more.”
Billy Crystal says he’s retired. How about another comedian? Amy Shumer was at this year’s Oscars, but she doesn’t know if she’ll be asked back, but just in case she is currently in training.
She has taken up Muay Thai kickboxing – one of the deadliest of martial arts – and is in intense training, learning to kick and punch, to catch her opponent off-guard, even to break his bones if she forgets to pull back her punches. Can she do the “touch of death”?
Her coach, Aroon Kickass, said, “Amy is ready. I make sure she can defeat all comers. So far she have three knockouts – and caused one funeral! Her fists of fury know no bounds. Watch her feet – and prepare to die!”
Quite an accolade – and warning! If she is called upon, there may not be a boxing ring set up on the Oscar stage, but Amy will be a fine-tuned killing machine … ready for Will.
Kung-fu Oscars coming soon!
