SOMEWHERE IN MAINE - (Satire News) - The Vox Populi News Agency has just named a retired molasses salesman, who resides in Maine, the nation's number one hermit.
The 91-year-old man named Tobias Wickenweiser, has lived by himself in the middle of a lake ever since he retired from the molasses business 26 years ago.
Toby, as he calls himself, told VPNA writer Tapioca Swizzle in a text message that he has not seen another fellow human being in 24 years.
When asked what in the world he does for food, Toby replied that his diet consists mostly of fish he catches in his lake, along with squirrels, woodchucks, and beavers that he shoots with his Atilla The Hun slingshot.
He also commented that he has a nice garden behind his house where he grows tomatoes, potatoes, okra, avocados, pomegranates, and jalapenos.
When asked if he ever gets lonely for a woman, he texted back that he has an inflatable sex toy doll that he bought 24 years ago.
SIDENOTE: Wickenweiser said that he named his sex doll Lady Gaga, after the 16th century queen of Norway Lady Gaga II.
