KNOXVILLE, Tennessee – (Satire News) – Knoxville’s PBS affiliate is reporting that the vice-assistant director of Fort Knox has revealed that there are 89 ten-ounce gold bars missing from the high-security building.
When asked what the total value of the missing gold bars is Vice-Assistant Director Herbert H. Wheatseed stated that each bar is worth $13,107, so the grand total comes out to $1,166,523.
He pointed out that it appears to be an inside job, and the security department is presently viewing film from each of the 803 security cameras in the building.
Wheatseed said that he received a call from VP Harris and she let him know in no uncertain terms, that the 89 gold bars better be found mucho pronto, as they say in East L.A., or else some asses are going to find themselves in the unemployment line post haste, as they say in South Dakota.
In a Related Story. Wheatseed mentioned that the couple that was videotaped having dry sex on the second floor behind the water fountain will be suspended for two weeks without pay.