UPPER TOOTING, England – (Satire News) – England’s Ta Ta For Now News is reporting that English actor/model Alex Pettyfer and his German model wife Toni Garrn’s marriage is crumbling like a sand castle in a rainstorm.
The actor stared in such films as “Stormbreaker,” “Elvis & Nixon,” “Stormbreaker II – Spy Gadgets Gone Wild,” and the serio-comedy “A Bloated Elvis and Those Damn Magic Pills.”
Toni is noted for being the United Kingdom’s spokeswoman for Cousin Clara’s Crumpets, Stella Artois Beer, and The Duchess of York Brand Pantiliners (Sarah Ferguson).
According to 2TF2N’s Loretta Piffinshaw, the Pettyfers initially started having problems of a sexual nature that simply escalated into politics, and then into issues regarding Toni refusing to shave her underarm hair as well as her leg hair.
Alex apparently commented to Piers Morgan that if he wanted to be with a hairy woman, he would have married Lindsay Lohan.
In Other News. Queen Elizabeth wants to dispel the vicious rumor that has been circulating in the U.K. that the English Channel is infested with great white sharks the size of double-decker busses.