Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Dr. Ruth on USO Tour Will Visit Troops For V-Day

Funny story written by King David

Sunday, 11 February 2007


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Spears Will Perform USO Sponsored V-Day Concert in Iraq With Lindsey Lohan

Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Dr. Ruth Westheimer left the United States today for a three-day visit with American troops in Iraq. The three will be on a USO sponsored tour to try and bolster troop morale which has been sagging recently.

"The men are simply tired of seeing other men and need some comfort," said Sgt. Major Jim Hunt commander of ground forces in Iraq.

This will not be the first time that the diminuetive sex therapist will have been in a combat zone. During WWII after immigrating to Israel, she became a sniper in a Jewish paramilitary group in Jerusalem and says that she can still put five bullets into the bullseye of a target at 100 yards.

President Bush asked the 4'7" Westheimer, whose age belies her endless energy and enthusiam for life, jokingly, if she would be interested in volunteering for service again and possibly manning a front machine gunner post in an Abrams tank since she had experience with guns and would probably fit well in that post.

Reporters, knowing how desperate the president has been lately to garner support for more troops, are doubtful that the president was really joking.

Troops were said to be looking forward to having the three woman visit. Many see the 79-year-old Westheimer as a "grandmother figure" and will use the opportunity to secure relationship advice to take home and share with spouses and girlfriends. Senior officers were also hoping that the sex therapist would offer younger soldiers advice concerning matters of STD's and AIDs and reinforcing the fact, especially for the Catholic soldiers, that it's alright to masturbate even while looking at a Penthouse or Playboy magazine.

"It just isn't the same coming from a senior officer," said Sgt. Major Jim Hunt. "A woman of Westheimer's stature has star power. We just give the orders. And they get tired of hearing us tell them what to do. We're just hoping that she doesn't go into the homosexuality issue too much. We?re very comfortable with our "don't ask, don't tell policy" here and would hate to stir things up with the men."

The outspoken sex-therapist apparently has a reputation for defending homosexuality.

Spears and Lohan are planning give concerts for the troops, and, after Spears' concert she will recreate the famous "no underwear getting out of the limo scene," except she will get out of a Humvee instead. This scene will be broadcast, close circuit, to giant television monitors mounted on top of supply trucks and onto the internet. The purpose is to make the troops feel more at home.

Lohan, whose mother was a former Radio City Music Hall Rockette doing tours for the USO during the Vietnam era and a Wall Street analyst, comes by her penchant for public service honstly.

Both Spears and Lohan have been undergoing addiction treatments for men and alcohol and were recently written about in a Spoof article earlier this week after volunteering in the UCLA medical school to be pap smear speculum models assisting second year interns in their bedside manners and helping them become sensitive future doctors.

No word on how that endeavor is going, but it is reported that the two pop divas are beginning to realize that the key to life is not how much you take, but what you are willing to give back that counts.

"This is a big step in their maturation process," commented Dr. Ruth. "Maybe one day they will have the wonderful experience of a true marriage."

A spokesperson for USO Qatar, Jane Ellie said that they are greatful for the celebrities participation and hope that this will send a message to the troops that we care.

"Until everyone comes home" is our motto and we stand by it Ellie continued.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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