JASON'S BACK! This Time Victims are Gullible Seniors

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Friday, 28 June 2019

FCC HQ, Washington, D. C. The Federal Communications Commission today issued an all-points bulletin for Jason, once the bane of "Friday the 13th" teen-aged campers, but now attacking the elderly under the guise of selling them medical alert systems.

The calls invariably begin with a cheerful voice: "This is Jason!" And the unaware seniors, most of whom never saw a "Friday the 13th" horror film, are hooked as he seemingly hawks those emergency alarms.

The number of Jason's newest victims is undetermined, since most are senior citizens living alone, who just disappear after receiving a robocall from him. In fact, most receive numerous calls before they disappear, apparently eager to hear a voice because their children rarely call. It is not unusual for Jason to make multiple calls to the same number on the same day.

The FCC is uninterested in the disappearance of so many seniors. Its concern about Jason is that he has violated the "Do Not Call" list by failing to offer those called a choice to opt out of future calls. While FCC regulations require that a number, usually 9, be set aside for opting out of Jason's calls, he has consistently ignored that rule. Only one FCC agent is working this case.

In the meantime, the medical alert industry has refused to stifle Jason, believing that most seniors will ignore his convincing sales pitch and will seek out a legitimate dealer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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