Glastonbury Fans Say They'll Want A Refund If It Doesn't Turn Into A Quagmire

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 28 June 2019

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Music and mud: they're inseparable at Glastonbury - usually

Music fans have begun arriving at Glastonbury for the annual feast of music that usually turns into a mudbath due to seasonal rainstorms, but there is already unrest, after several visitors said they would be seeking a refund if the weather stayed fine.

The festival, which lasts until Sunday, is the biggest and filthiest event in the musical calendar, and, for some unknown reason, always suffers at the hands of torrential downpours which turn the site into a quagmire.

Fortunately, organisers have discovered, the shit and mud are the event's main attractions.

This year, however, due to the current heatwave, Glastonbury is as dry as a bone, and fans turning up in wellington boots have been disappointed to find them superfluous under the current meteorological conditions. One fan, David, from London, said:

"Paul Weller and Stormzy are OK, but I came for the mud, really."

His girlfriend, Jennifer, told us that she has a secret fantasy about slipping and slithering about whilst being manhandled by twenty men in a mudbath. She said:

"It won't feel like Glastonbury if we're not totally caked in mud."

And Jonathan Deadbeat, who had travelled all the way from Bromsgrove on a pogo stick, said:

"If it doesn't rain, and there's no mudbath, I'll be wanting a refund, because that's just the type of stupid bastard I am."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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