For decades, Elton John has prided himself on being one of the most annoyingly obvious homosexuals on Earth. However, his apparent act as a "brown dirt cowboy" is based on a lie.
TheSpoof can exclusively reveal that Elton is, in fact, a half-man, half-worm creature who was created as a result of experiments in the 1950s to develop a new form of abortion.
Elton has successfully hidden his worm-like tail over the years he has been a celebrity. Mostly, he just stuffs it under a piano, but for a time, in the 60s, he used to hide it inside an oversized pair of platform shoes.
There have been hints over the years that Elton is hiding something - from his song "I'm Still Standing", which was clearly written as a cover-up; to the fact that we never see his legs. The reason is obvious. He doesn't have any legs, just a long, segmented tail.
As a worm, Elton is a hermaphrodite, and if, by some unfortunate circumstance, he is ever cut in two, two Elton Johns will be created from the resulting mess.
Elton has had to live for over twenty years now, with his annelidologist David Furnish, who provides him with soil and helps clean his segments. He revealed to a close friend that it was easier to just pretend to be gay than to have to explain the complexities of being a half-worm monster. Elton apparently said, "Arse bandits are more accepted than slimy mutants nowadays. Call Bernie! That should be a lyric in my next song."