Man Tries To Clone Ian Curtis

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 19 April 2019

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A man who read something in a book about the legendary Joy Division frontman, Ian Curtis, who committed suicide in 1980, has embarked upon a crackpot scheme to clone the singer, it's been claimed.

Moys Kenwood, who was 16 at the time of Curtis' untimely death, read 'Touching From A Distance', the book by the singer's widow, Deborah, in 1996, and, from it, deduced that a cloning of the great man might just be possible.

Contained in the book is an account by the late Factory Records impressario and local media figure, Anthony H. Wilson, about how a quantity of record sleeves for the Durutti Column album 'The Return of the Durutti Column' were left with members of Joy Division to assemble one evening in 1979. The record had been designed with a cover made from sandpaper, and had to be put together manually.

Whilst the other members of the band watched a porn film, Curtis was left on his own to undertake the task, and, claimed Wilson, did so until he had finished. Crucially, he used his own saliva to 'gum' the edges of the covers together, when he had exhausted the supply of glue.

Moys Kenwood, a fan of the Durutti Column, bought a copy of the record from Hull record shop Sydney Scarborough on its release in 1980, and another with a standard black sleeve designed by Steve Horsfall, shortly after.

The sandpaper-sleeved record has remained in his mam's loft ever since, inside a sealed plastic cover.

Kenwood hopes that, in the same way dinosaurs were recreated in the film 'Jurassic Park', he might extract saliva samples from the sleeve in a laboratory, and 'grow' a brand new Ian Curtis.

Or maybe several. He doesn't know yet.

Or he might end up ruining the cover of a record that's worth a bob or two.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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