Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 23 February 2019

image for Jussie Smollett Says All White People Attacked Him
Smollett, aged 9, scheming (archive)

Jussie Smollett, the black African-American actor who used to star in the Empire TV series, claims he has been the victim of a callous, vicious, and malicious race-motivated attack by every single white person on the planet, and he's deadly serious.

Smollett, currently the subject of a Chicago police investigation over a crude lie he told about being attacked by two white men, says this latest attack happened shortly after he went to bed last night, having already had a nice, calming bottle of whisky to soothe his frayed nerves.

Smollett's attorney announced:

"My client has been the victim of yet another racist atrocity, which happened whilst he was in the supposed-comfort of his own home. This time, the perpetrators of the horrendous assault did unspeakable things to my client, which I won't speak about. Suffice to say, that we will be contacting the police with a view to having every member of the white race arrested for this horrific attack on his character."

People raised their eyebrows and shook their heads.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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