Written by Dave Henry

Saturday, 13 October 2018

image for Fan Hates U2 Because They Are Popular
No-one likes U2 anymore because everyone likes them.

A local man who grew up loving U2, hates them now because they are popular.

“U2 used to be awesome until everyone else started liking them, then they became awful,” said the man, Kevin Stevens. “I liked them when they were young and up-and-coming, and hardly anyone knew them. Therefore, my opinion counts more than anyone else's.”

Stevens contends that, anyone that the masses like can’t be good because, well, he thinks the masses are stupid.

“The Beatles, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, the Rolling Stones, U2 – suck, suck, suck, suck, and suck,” said Stevens.

He likes bands like Dique Pique (pronounced Deek Peek), Velcro Toilets, Dave and the Mixed Race Band, and the Rusty Popsicles. “These bands no-one has ever heard of, thus they are awesome.”

Stevens bristles at the argument that no-one has heard of these bands, because they actually really do suck.

“No, they do not suck just because they aren’t well known. Only cool people like me like them, because we know better.” He says that, once they start to become popular, they will start sucking, and he will no longer like them.

Phil Morris, the lead singer of the Rusty Popsicles, so badly wants to become popular.

“Of course I want to become popular! Why would I want to play in front of these same jabroni hipsters every night? I look out in the audience, and literally want to throw up at the sight of them,” said Morris. “I have been trying to sell out for years, but I can't get a hit song. I even wrote a song called “I Would Sell Out My First Born for a Number One Hit,” and my hipster fans thought it was an ironic comment about the blind desire for fame at any cost.”

“But I meant it literally. I want to become rich and famous! I want a hit song!” said Morris.

His next single is called “I Dream of Being in the Top 40 and Being Interviewed by Ryan Seacrest on the KISS Morning Show.”

Best of luck to the Rusty Popsicles with their new single.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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