Moviegoers Excited To Sleep Through “First Man”

Funny story written by Dave Henry

Monday, 8 October 2018

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First Man is sure to put moviegoers to sleep this weekend

Fans of sleeping in comfortable movie chairs are excited about the upcoming release of First Man, the latest in the Hollywood tradition of boring movies about space,

"We're proud of First Man," said producer, Robert Weinberger. "We think it's the most boring movie about space ever, and that's saying a lot. We know our fans come to space movies to fall asleep out of sheer boredom and we think this one will have them sawing ZZZZZZZZs within the first 10 minutes."

With films like Gravity, Interstellar, Arrival, Prometheus, Contact, Hidden Figures, The Martian, Apollo 13, The Right Stuff, and others, Hollywood has perfected the art of making really cool subject matter like space mind-numbingly boring. And stressed-out, over-tired film fans really appreciate it.

“People really appreciate the opportunity to escape to a dark movie theater, sit in comfortable chairs, not be bothered by phone calls or texts, and just fall asleep for two hours,” said Weinberger.

Filmgoer Tom McAdams of Virginia Beach saw a sneak preview of First Man last night and loved it.

"Wow, is all I can say. First Man was fantastic. I was out like a light within the first two minutes. In the first scene, I could feel my eyelids get heavy, and then within moments, I had a hard time keeping them open. Soon, I was off in Dreamland and had to be woken up by the ushers, long after the movie ended. It’s so great to go to a movie and not be disturbed by exciting content and action.”

Laura Jones-Johnson, of Muskogee, also loved First Man.

"I knew this movie was going to be extremely boring, I could tell by the previews, so I brought my pillow, a blanket, and wore my pajamas and slippers," said Jones-Johnson. "But it exceeded my wildest expectations. I was bored out of my mind -- it was even boring-er than my previous favorite boring movie, Gravity."

Jones-Johnson said it couldn't have come out at a better time as she had been extremely stressed lately.

"First Man was just what the doctor ordered," she said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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