It would appear that what was long suspected has finally been confirmed by a writer of the popular children’s reality television show, “Sesame Street”: Bert and Ernie are, in fact, a gay couple. The news shook the world, but none are more embroiled in the revelations than the residents of the fabled street itself. We took to the fictional borough of New York City to gather the opinions of the everyday puppets that walked it’s street.
“I think it’s juuuuuuust wonderful that Bert and Ernie can finally live as they are,” said a 7’10 Big Bird. “I mean, it’s 2018, so why can’t puppets enjoy the freedom to be true to themselves, and absolutely ravage each other when children aren’t looking?”
We also managed to catch up with the Cookie Monster, who was trembling on a nearby stoop. “I’m not going to lie. My contract states that I cannot. I always thought there was something weird between those two. The blank gaze they held for each other. Their almost abusive relationship. Then they got me on the vegetable diet. That was when I suspected. It all makes sense to Cookie Monster now.” He then devoured two packs of Chips Ahoy! cookies and became unresponsive until the paramedics arrived, at which time he called them, “punk bitches”, and claimed he would, “never be taken alive”, and struggled down the street to the next stoop.
As we followed, we happened to encounter Count von Count, who stepped out of the shadows to offer us “the purest white blood on the market”. When we revealed who we were, he apologized and began to count the number of times he’d made a similar mistake. Once he’d reached thirty, we interjected, and asked his thoughts on the recent news to hit his neighborhood.
“Bert and Ernie? I thought that was a matter of public knowledge, there were more than one, two, three times that it was made obvious they were whacking off of the back nine,” he said. When we investigated for more detail, he said, “They’ve always hosted the best parties, more than I can count. You see, where I come from, their lifestyle isn’t considered taboo, it’s a delicacy.”
Satisfied with the response, we began to make our way out of the neighborhood. It appeared that the residents seemed to be unequivocally supportive of their fellow neighbors. That was, until, we came across Oscar the Grouch. He swayed in his trash can, with a needle hanging from his arm. When we asked his thoughts, he didn’t hold anything back, “Bert and Ernie, really? I always had suspicions about Ernie, but Bert? Jesus… what a mind-blower. Goddamn faggots taking over this country.”
That’s when Big Bird stepped in, “Easy Oscar, you can’t say things like that,” he pleaded.
Oscar only scowled, “I live in a fucking trash can. I’ll say whatever I want you radioactive fowl. Everybody is worried about “Bert and Ernie, Bert and Ernie”, what about the homeless population you dicks?! Maybe if I rubbed more fabric, I’d have a studio apartment!” The Grouch then turned to us, “You boys want some fabric do ya? Five bucks man, I have all the fabric you need.”
Big Bird apologized to us before grabbing the trash can and dragging it down the alleyway, whispering, “you want some fabric, huh?”
Despite the contentious interview, it would appear that the majority of Sesame Street residents are either supportive, or not surprised by the recent revelation of their now public homosexual neighbors. After all, it is New York, and fortunately, there are only a minority few that are intimidated by a couple of “fabric rubbers” in the Big City.
We will follow up on Bert & Ernie’s progress as it develops.