Written by Dave Henry

Monday, 6 August 2018

Hollywood is all aflutter for the upcoming release of action movie star Jordie Paine’s new summer blockbuster, I Plan to Kill You Now, Too.

It’s the highly-anticipated sequel to the 2016 film, I Plan to Kill You Now, in which the musclebound assassin goes back in time to kill the entire Nazi party, one person at a time, with nothing but a piece of yarn.

This time around, the story begins with Jordie stuck in 1940s Germany as his time machine, a souped-up peregrine falcon, gets eaten by a large eagle from the 1940s. Eagles were bigger and more important back then than they are today. In the 1940s, eagles actually held cabinet positions, including one that was the Secretary of Drawers.

After Paine’s bloody yarn-fueled rampage in the original, Nazism is now dead, but because Jordie is a restless son of a bitch, he can’t be happy unless he is killing people – bad people. So, Jordie kills the eagle that ate his falcon. Then he kills the entire cabinet -- including all the knobs, drawers, and the mirror that sat atop the cabinet -- because they cheered for the eagle against him.

This incensed all eagles, cabinet makers, and the president of the United States, who is Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Moe -- based on his strength portrayed in the shorts, You Nazty Spy and I’ll Never Heil Again -- was easily elected president over Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1944. America, after the horrors of fighting Nazism, was ready for a leader who showed the ability to perform slapstick.

But President Howard, as his first order of business, is in no laughing mood once his Secretary of Drawers and the rest of his cabinet are killed. He orders the military to violently eye poke Jordie, slap him across the face, and bonk him in the belly. This sets off an epic battle between Jordie and President Howard that is the central conflict in I Plan to Kill You Now, Too.

“Fans of violence are going to love this movie,” said Paine, the star of such films as Chuck Butcher: Sword Wielding Jackal, Steve Evil and the Karate Chop Posse, and the light-hearted kids’ film, Harry Hinklehoffer and the Giant Dancing Toad of East Nebraska.

“I kill literally thousands of people in this film, even more than the original IPTKYN,” said Paine. “But don’t worry, it’s not too violent. I recommend it for babies 14 months and up. In fact, we took 6 of my babies, and their moms, to the opening and they screamed with what I’m assuming was delight. I also swear at just the right time to make you laugh while I'm killing people. And I have implied sex with many of my beautiful co-stars. What more could you want?”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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