DIZNEE'Z LAND, CALIFORNICATE—Mickey Mouse has put Diznee'z Land off limits to paying customers. From now on, the mouse decreed, he will allow “guests” to visit only some parks on some days. “Which ones and when depends on my mood,” the rodent explained.
Mouse's policy applies only to annual passholders, who pay considerably more than guests du joir. Affected visitors have not taken kindly to the change in park procedures.
“It doesn't make any sense to restrict us annual passholders when we're paying over $1,000 per family member for the 'privilege' of bringing our families to Diznee'z Land,” said Daffy Duck (who is not an employee of the amusement park and is not related to either Donald or Daisy Duck, Scrooge McDuck, or the ducklings Huey, Louie, and Dewey). “Day trippers pay only about $90. I know, because I used to be one.”
“It's all about crowd control,” Minnie Mouse, Mickey's gun moll, said, contradicting her bitter half's explanation as to why Duck and other annual passholders won't be able to pass through the turnstiles to several parks. “It's not just a whim; we've given a great deal of thought.”
Asked why the park couldn't sell tickets a week ahead of guests' visits, cutting off sales when the optimum number was reached, rather than shutting out passholders, Minnie confessed, “We never thought of that.”
Currently, Mouse said, “Annual passholders may visit Diznee Californicate Adventure on alternate Tuesdays that occur during a full moon and may visit Downtown Diznee on federal holidays and Gay Days, unless the latter falls on one of the former, in which case guests have to wait until the spring equinox to visit the park.
Parks in other countries, such as Paris and Hong Kong, are open only to Chinese and French passholders, respectively, "provided they wear rose-colored glasses and spats,” Mouse said.
In addition, to “adjust admission to inflation,” the prices of all passes will increase “without notice, as necessary or desirable.”
Asked what he thought about Diznee'z new policies, Duck sang a line from a song that played on the 1950s television show, The Mickey Mouse Klub, albeit with a slight change to the original lyrics: “Now it's time to say goodbye to this greedy com-pan-neee.”
His date, Daisy, said, “Mickey Mouse is a rat!”