Chinese police crack sperm smuggling ring

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 22 April 2017

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In China, semen is also called the elixir of life

Police in China have seized three gallons of sperm in an operation to stop a gang of smugglers. It is the largest ever haul of the expensive fluid, and will surely not be the last in a bizarre underworld industry which is currently booming.

Sperm is considered an aphrodisiac in China. It is also used as a soup ingredient, a facial cream, a lubricant and is a critical component in the human breeding industry. Elton John bathes in pints of the stuff every day. For years, traders have been importing the fluid into the country, but it is taxed very highly. Recently criminal gangs have been making huge profits by smuggling it in.

Usually the liquid is swallowed, or sometimes secreted about the smuggler's person. Some mules have even been caught storing small volumes of the liquid in their testicles. However, the Chinese police are well prepared for any eventuality, and always retrieve the goods one way or another.

The previous largest haul was discovered in a dolphin's stomach off the coast of Hong Kong. However, in that case the semen was very low quality, as it had been diluted with whale jizz.

The seized semen is being stored in Christopher Biggins' rectum until a more secure location can be found for it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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