Player Charged with Illegally Using The Force

Written by Dave Henry

Monday, 9 April 2018

A football player claims the opposing quarterback illegally used The Force to alter the outcome of last night’s game.

“There’s no question in my mind that The Force made us lose,” said James Tebucky, cornerback for the local football team. Tebucky contends that the quarterback on the other team, Tom Phillips, is a practicing Jedi who cheated by using the Force..

The league rules expressly forbid the use of The Force or any other forms of mind control during games.

Phillips denied the charge to league officials. “You don't need to investigate me,” said Phillips. “I’m not the Jedi you’re looking for. I can go about my business.”

The league announced shortly thereafter that it would not be investigating Phillips. “He can go about his business,” said the commissioner.

But Tebucky knows what he saw.

There was one play in particular where The Force could be felt. Phillips dropped back to pass and was strip sacked by Tebucky. But the ball didn’t fumble to the ground as it normally would with a strip sack.

Inexplicably, the ball shot up into the air, changed directions, and went soaring down the field 75 yards into the arms of wide receiver Joe Magoo. The ball actually waited in mid-air at a dead stop until Magoo caught up to it. The defender tried to snatch it out of the air, but the ball moved around, avoiding him, then rammed itself into Magoo’s gut for the winning touchdown.

“The guy just bought a home on Coruscant, a known Jedi hangout. He wears a long hooded robe over his uniform with the number 15 on the back. He drinks from his water bottle without using his hands. He goes to the TB12 Clinic, for God’s sake. What more proof do you need?” Tebucky said.

Phillips' coach Dan Smothers said The Force played no role in his team’s win. He believes there were other forces at play.

“God had a hand in this,” said Smothers, who prays to God to make the team win before every game. The team is 1-10 on the season.

God could not be reached for comment, but His spokesman confirmed that He was in Norway watching a curling match last night.

This is the first time that there have been charges of a Higher Power tampering in a sporting event since 842 BC when Hercules disguised himself as a horse and won a chariot race.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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