With only a day to go until the final, UK entry Evacuated Bowel say that they want to go one better than the last few dismal efforts and actually register a negative score. Their song, 'I Want Your Ear Wax All Over Me', is an up-beat reggae song that mixes Eastern influences with death metal, Irish jigs and oompah.
It has been analysed by musicologists who say it is, perhaps, the worst piece of music ever conceived by humans. 'To have it sung by Sam Smith might render it as toxic as Chernobyl,' said Professor Dusty Folds of the University of Minecraft, California.
Denzil Manson-Family, 23, one half of the duo, said 'I am a smile a stick, basically'. His partner, Rachel No-Gag-Reflex, 22, is a former Butlins' redcoat. 'Can I show you to your chalet?' she told a hushed press conference yesterday. The BBC will be covering the event live, taking the piss out of foreigners (but it's just a bit of fun) and the whole competition while simultaneously bemoaning the fact that the UK aren't winning.
In other stereotypical but satirically plausible Eurovision news, Germany were kicked out of the competition at the semi-final stage for having no sense of humour, an over-efficient approach to life and taking the recliners around the pool before everyone else by getting there early.