HOLLYWEIRD, CA -- Director Zach Snider is "sad" to report that little-known actor Jason Namor believes that he is the DC Comics character Aquaman and that, as such, he is "king of the seven seas."
Previously, Namor has imagined himself to have married Lisa Bidet, who appears in videos with alleged rapist Bill Cozy, and to have had a daughter by the actress.
In addition, Namor believes that he has been reincarnated several times, in previous lives having been a Hawaiian lifeguard, a barbarian, a Satedan ("or maybe a sadist"), and "the greatest athlete of the twentieth century, period!"
He is most famous for having had a beer glass smashed into his face during a barroom brawl, for having two surfer dudes as his uncles, and for having imagined himself to have married Bidet.
Unfortunately, Namor, who wears a homemade costume slightly resembling that of the real Aquaman, has not mastered the outfit's more intricate details. The real king of the seven seas wears an orange top decorated with sequins shaped like fish scales, green gloves, green shorts, green tights, and a yellow (some say gold) belt, the buckle of which is a golden arch not unlike the emblem of Ronald McDonald's famous hamburglar enterprise.
By contrast, Namor's togs resemble chain-mail armor stamped with heart and diamond shapes based, according to Snider, on the hearts and diamonds in a deck of playing cards.
Moreover, Namor carries a pitchfork, but Aquaman does not, and Aquaman has short, wavy blond hair; Namor wears his dark hair in long, ungainly "dreadlocks."
"It's tragic, really," Snider laments of Namor's latest delusion. "However, it is likely to be as short-lived as the actor's other preposterous beliefs. Soon, it will give way to a new fantasy."
It may have done so already, according to Deb Turncoat, president of NBC, Proud as a Peacock, who says Namor not only believes that she has interviewed him as a possible replacement for disgraced NBC anchor Bri Willyums, but that he "already thinks he's going to replace Willyums' replacement, Less Dolt."