HOLLYWEIRD, CA - Always wanting to be on the cutting edge of society, actress Gwyneth Paltrow has taken "getting your carpet steam cleaned" to a new level. The 42 year-old actress now says she goes to a Hollywood spa and receives steam treatments for her hoo-ha. She says the $50-$200 treatments provide her with an "energetic release."
Tom Harris, of Pittsburgh, says, "Something smells fishy to me. First off, I will boil a pot of water and let women come to my house and squat over it for ten bucks if it's that easy, and secondly, does she need to make that stuff public? Come on, man." Harris says he will put Vic's Vapor Rub, or a scented candle of the woman's choice in the water for an extra $2.50.
Paltrow, who famously "uncoupled" from her marriage in the past, has apparently now "uncoupled" from reality. Steve McMahon, a barber from Santa Monica, reminded us, "There's a sucker born every minute." However, the spa's manager assured us there is no sucking involved in the treatment.
The treatment involved, called a V-Steam, must be used with caution to avoid steam burns, although the spa manager tells us that the really talented ladies who have a strong connection to their lady bits can sometimes blow steam rings after a treatment.
Ms. Paltrow is telling women in the area that they simply must try the treatment. However, psychiatrists in southern California are becoming concerned that the treatment, if it catches on, could be a gateway treatment to other, more dangerous treatments.
"I mean, what's next? Vaginal fracking?" said Dr. Howard Whiteman. "That kind of thing worries me and I hope women will think twice about trying this at home, especially Mr. Harris' home. Also, I would appreciate it if you would forward my office number to Ms. Paltrow. We can give her, and her nether regions, the help she needs."