Written by T. J. Grover

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

After two months of debate, the White House in conjunction with the INS has issued a deportation notice to "music" star Justin Bieber following his recent legal troubles.

The Canadian-born Bieber, 19, was arrested January 23rd, 2014 for DUI, drag racing and criminal mischief in Miami, FL. Later that day a petition calling for Bieber's deportation appeared on the White House website. Needing 100,000 signatures in 30 days to mandate a response, the petition garnered 262,817 signatures by the February 22 deadline.

Forced to respond to the petition, President Barack Obama decided to do more than the typical petition response, which usually entails a long, condescending description of the law relating to the petition in a polite way of saying "Suck it, petition signers." After negotiating legal red tape and watching his deposition, INS PR official Barry Strongmann announced today that Bieber is no longer welcome on American soil.

"It's not just about [Bieber's] disregard of the law while in our nation," Strongmann said in a press conference. "We find his behavior, severe doucheiness, and unjustifiable celebration of himself a detriment to the youth of America."

When pressed for any positive contributions that Bieber may have produced, Strongmann pondered a while before saying, "Well… he did a great impression of the dramatic chipmunk that one time, I liked that. And didn't that Overly Attached Girlfriend get famous by parodying a Bieber song? She's hilarious.

"I suppose enough fans could petition the White House to reinstate Mr. Bieber's green card," Strongmann continued. "However, most Beliebers won't be of voting age until at around the year 2020. That gives Justin six years to learn two things; respect for our nation's laws and a musical instrument."

Early responses to Bieber's deportation have been overwhelmingly positive. All of Bieber's future US tour dates have been cancelled. Apple was the first to announce the removal of all their Bieber content from their iTunes Store, followed closely by WalMart and Amazon. In a poll taken hours after the announcement, President Obama's approval ratings have jumped from 44% to 76%.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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