Heather Mills Bids to be Recognised as Fifth Beatle

Funny story written by Harry Porter

Wednesday, 1 November 2006

image for Heather Mills Bids to be Recognised as Fifth Beatle
Lady Heather... soon to be the fifth Beatle?

Yoko Ono has been drawn into the vicious divorce spat between Sir Paul and Lady Heather Mills McCartney. John Lennon's widow is reported to be furious at reports that Sir Paul is considering offsetting a proportion of any future divorce settlement against Beatles' royalties.

With the 'Lennon & McCartney' catalogue now returned to the writers from the Michael Jackson estate, Sir Paul has been taking legal advice on how Lady Heather could be cut into future royalty payments from both Parlophone and Apple recordings.

Apparently a number of Beatles' classics, penned by Sir Paul despite the 'Lennon & McCartney' credit, have been identified as suitable. "Yesterday", "When I'm 64", "The Long and Winding Road", "Let It Be" and "Hey Jude", all could soon be credited to 'Lennon, McCartney & Mills' - despite some of the titles actually being penned before Lady Heather was born.

However, Yoko, who recently thwarted attempts to have some credits changed to 'McCartney & Lennon', has vowed to block the move. Speaking from New York, she said: "The legacy left to the world by John cannot be allowed to be diluted by an ugly wrangle over money. Lady Heather surely cannot wish to be party to any settlement that will, through time, create a false place in history for her as the fifth Beatle."

However, the Mills' camp did not dismiss the concept with a spokesman confirming discussions were ongoing. "There is some concern over the selection of songs as they are not all particularly big sellers, Lady Heather has expressed an interest in Get Back, Lady Madonna and A Day in the Life, though Yoko Ono has voiced her opposition. Alternatively, Lady Heather would be receptive to the entire writing credits for either of the Revolver or Abbey Road albums."

The spokesman refused to confirm or deny that Mull of Kintyre and the Frogs' Chorus singles, recorded by Sir Paul and Wings, were dismissed out of hand. Lady Heather is believed to be seeking a sum in excess of £400m from Sir Paul's estate and, contrary to persisting rumours that she is being 'unreasonable', is reportedly 'relaxed' about some of the monies being paid over a period of time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more