Tom Cruise Denies Chelsea Handler Dating Rumors

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 5 February 2013


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Chelsea Handler shown without makeup, deodorant, or underwear. (Photo courtesy of Metta World Peace).

VENICE BEACH - Tom Cruise had just finished having dinner at The Shaped Like a Boot Italian Restaurant when he was greeted by Fajita San Guacamole with Hollywood Innuendo.

Cruise has always liked Miss San Guacamole because she has never made him seem like a controlling jerk like some of the other entertainment news media groups have.

In fact Tom recently filed an $18.9 million lawsuit against the supermarket tabloid Just Saying, after the publication printed a story insinuating that he and John Travolta had been spotted playing leap frog in the nude on an isolated beach near El Segundo.

Tom stated emphatically that he hasn't been in El Segundo in years and then added that he has never liked playing leap frog, and especially not in the nude, and certainly not with Johnny Travolta.

He was then asked about the recent rumors that apparently started in either Avocado Heights or Hacienda Heights that he dated Chelsea Handler last week.

Tom started coughing. He started to turn red and actually resembled a huge California strawberry.

After he composed himself he said that he would not get anywhere near Ms. Handler, who he compared to another comedian that he cannot stand Lisa Lampanelli.

Cruise said that Handler and Lampanelli are two of the foulest mouthed females that he has ever known and that includes the likes of Naomi Campbell, Madonna, and Los Angeles Laker Girl Vontavia Waldentucker.

To view some explicit photos of half a dozen of the Laker Girls go to

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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