The Highlights of 2012

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 29 December 2012

image for The Highlights of 2012
A woman identified as Charlotte Wiffenweller, 37, of Tarzana, California, reading a story about Britney Spears.

Every year, going back to the beginning of time, has had its highlights and even its lowlights.

Tittle Tattle Tonight's Senior Reporter Pico de Gallo has poured over hundreds of stories which appeared in 2012, in such celebrity publications and entertainment news programs as Bedroom Pillow Talk, iRumors, Hollywood Innuendo, The Tinsel Town Times Tribune, The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle, and Tittle Tattle Tonight.

He then got together with fellow 3T reporters Tapioca Swizzle, Kiowa Kettle, and Skippy Viperwater and chose the top 15 stories of 2012.

De Gallo reported that the pleasantly plump Lady Gaga was very upset that none of her stories managed to make the list.

Charlie Sheen offered to pay Tittle Tattle Tonight $100,000 if they would include one of his stories but of course that would fall under the guise of bribery which is against the law in the state of California.

De Gallo learned that American Idol Judge Nicki Minaj is so livid at not being featured on the list that she has hired Los Angeles attorney Bubby Fubblefite to represent her in a lawsuit.

Minaj claims that she was purposely left off the list because of her hideously outrageous hair coloring, her Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus make up, and her bitter, venom-spewing personality.

De Gallo responded by saying that Miss Minaj needs to take a darn good look in the mirror and stop acting like she's a poor, little defenseless diva who is so mistreated because if truth be told, the woman can scare off pit bulls with very little effort.


• January 8, 2012 - Madonna Announces That Angelina Jolie Is Too Old To Be Getting Pregnant. The Material Granny pointed out that Jolie's eggs have reached their expiration date.

• January 19, 2012 - American Idol's Steven Tyler Finally Admits That It's True - He Has Dumped Kate Gosselin. The Aerosmith lead singer known as Lips confessed that he loved Kate beyond belief but explained that her eight brats (kids) were simply unbearable.

• January 26, 2012 - Demi Moore Says Her Skinny Look Is Not Due to Anorexia, But To A Damn Tape Worm. An expert verified that the tape worm is 14 months old.

• March 7, 2012 - Christina Aguilera Is Furious At Joan Rivers For Insinuating That She Is Pregnant. Joan "The Moan" reportedly told The View's Barbara Walters that the bleached blonde singer looks like she's hiding a cantaloupe in her tummy.

• April 26, 2012 - Dolly Parton Injures Herself Filming A Pogo Stick Commercial. The little bitty backwoods dynamo was jumping up and down on a pogo stick when she lost her balance and her extremely ample right breast hit her underneath her jaw causing her to tumble to the ground.

• May 18, 2012 - President Obama And The First Mama Deny The Divorce Rumors. The president replies to a reporter that about four more 50 minute sessions with their marriage therapist should get all of their marital problems ironed out.

• June 13, 2012 - Jessica Simpson Is Very Depressed - Says She Looks Like A Blonde Moby Dick. Simpson stated that after her baby was born, her pedicurist told her that she can now stop eating for two.

• July 10, 2012 - Justin Bieber Faces Possible Arrest. The Canadian-born singer was reportedly texting while driving at 103 miles per hour.

• August 10, 2012 - Derek Hough Denounces The Gay Rumors. The Dancing With The Stars pro dancer explains that the gay rumors probably stem from the fact that on several occasions he and fellow DWTS dancer Mark Ballas have been photographed dancing together.

• September 11, 2012 - Honey Boo Boo's Mama Tells Kris Jenner To Kiss Her Redneck Rump. The Kardashian matriarch remarks that when she watches Here Comes Little Honey Boo Boo she gets a sudden urge to pluck a chicken, slap some hogs, and churn some butter.

• September 24, 2012 - Kim Kardashian Named The Worst Wife Of The Decade. It is brought out that during her 72-day marriage to NBA star Kris Humphries she did not once so much as cook a hard boiled egg for her tall-as-the-dickens hubby.

• November 24, 2012 - Cher Says Donald Trump Needs To Get A Job. Cher comments that the billionaire with the Hairdo From Hell is about as sharp as a serving of Jello.

• November 25, 2012 - Kirstie Alley Fears She Is Going To Explode. The former Cheers star and Dancing With The Stars two-time contestant reveals that everyday she visits The Giggling Guacamole Restaurant in Van Nuys and orders the Six Happy Enchiladas Dinner.

• November 30, 2012 - Lindsay Lohan Arrested (Again!). A close source says that Lohan should be very, very worried because if she was a cat she would have already used up her allotted quota of nine lives.

• December 28, 2012 - Britney Spears X'd From X-Factor. The Princess of Pop says that no matter what she will never again go back to her old habit of lip syncing.

NOTE: Pico de Gallo has just learned that Miss Nicki Minaj will immediately be dropping her lawsuit after meeting with Ryan Seacrest, Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, and Vice-President Joe Biden.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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