Jordan To Marry Again, Divorce Lawyer Orders New Yacht

Written by Simon Saunders

Sunday, 29 April 2012


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Three mugs. One called Peter, one called Alex and the one on top is Leandro.

Everybody's favourite media whore, Katie Price (AKA Jordan) is set to get hitched for a third time.

The latest sap who has fallen for her apparent charms is Argentinian model Leandro Penna.

Jordan, 32FF, who has three children by eight different fathers, has two failed marriages behind her already. Back in 2005 she married former washboard and greaseball impersonator Peter Andre in a ceremony almost completely devoid of class at a castle in Hampshire. The union lasted a remarkable four years, all of which was televised and broadcast live, twenty four hours a day seven days a week. They divorced in 2009.

Almost a whole year after splitting with alleged singer Andre, she married MMA punchbag Alex Reid in a Las Vegas chapel, once again displaying her undeniable class. Some media outlets suggested their marriage was not legitimate. Unfortunately for Reid, once they arrived back in good old Blighty they formalised their marriage in a Church. Much to everyones complete and utter shock, Reid and Jordan separated in January 2011 citing a lack of media over exposure as the reason.

The next 'Mr Jordan', Leandro Penna, met Jordan at a holiday resort in Rhyl, North Wales. Penna came to Jordans rescue when she became trapped and almost suffocated beneath her oversized, surgically altered mammories after falling asleep on a sun lounger while listening to an audio version of one of her own "novels".

No date has been set for the wedding, but internet rumour mongers suggest that this time it will be a low key affair, possibly held in a caravan near Skegness or in a public toilet on the outskirts of Carlisle.

ITV2 have already secured a deal to televise the wedding and their entire marriage. Unconfirmed rumours suggest they have paid in excess of £50 to acquire the rights.

Our resident mathematician, Cal Culator, reckons that at this rate by the time Jordan is 80 she will be on her 23rd marriage and will probably have to push her breasts around on a pair of specially reinforced skateboards.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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