"Simon Cowell gave me the full baker's dozen" claims Swalloh Chisholm

Funny story written by Roy Turse

Monday, 23 April 2012


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Swalloh Chisholm made her acting debut in the 1989 short 'So soldier, you are going to be deployed overseas. Be careful.

Ex-model, actress and self-proclaimed socialite Swalloh Chisolm announced today she had been Simon Cowell's 'special friend' back in 2001. She made the claim after she was missed out of Simon Cowell's recently published unauthorised biography 'Sweet Revenge'. Various other women have also come forward to say that they have been involved with Cowell.

"Never mind Alicia Douvall - I was Simon's special lady during that time, and he pleasured me rigid whenever the opportunity arose. In fact, on one occasion he called me after a particularly gruelling auditions session and told me to get myself dolled up and meet him at Toddington services."

Swalloh re-settles herself on the settee and takes a sip of her Port and Limoncello. She has agreed to the interview as long as we don't ask about her conviction for obtaining money under false pretences or mention that she is 47, and we have gone along with this.

She goes on with her story: "Well, we met up and went back to his penthouse in the Travel Lodge. And it was there that he subjected me to the fabled Baker's Dozen. Never mind having sex eleven times in one night, this is the real deal. He started off all slow and romantic; he went off for a shower. I waited in the bedroom, although I did have a quick squirt of Nino Cerruti underneath."

Swalloh pauses for a moment; perhaps reliving the moment - or maybe thinking what to say next.

"Oh, he knew exactly which buttons to press, let me tell you. And once Barry White was doing his thing on the radio we lay down naked on the faux leather sofa. Well it was more of a put-you-up really - and he certainly did that. Well his not you. Put his up. Like twelve times! It was amazing - there were fireworks going off in the lady-garden area - proper 'get back 25 metre' ones. Or the ones Lady Gaga was on about - but dead romantic. I shouldn't really talk about it. But, seriously, twelve times!"

She takes time out for a bit of a cough, then goes on. "He was the first man to actually make me scream; although that was an accident. At one point, though, we were making so much noise, people were banging on the door complaining that they couldn't hear the M1. And then, to celebrate, he took me up the O2" - she clicks her fingers -"Bam! Baker's Dozen!"

There is a pause while Swalloh looks for a reaction. Then she ploughs on. "Needless to say - I was up the duff and nine months later I've got thirteen babies. I mean twelve. I had to give most of them up for adoption, so I expect Madonna and Angelina have got them now. But I kept the best one, called her Jessie J and the rest is fiction. History. The rest is history."

Swalloh takes on a serious tone and dabs a false eyelash with a tissue. "I just want Simon to do the right thing by me and my baby girl. Financially speaking."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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