Facenook to offer certified anonymous identification cards

Written by El Capitaz

Thursday, 21 July 2011


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image for Facenook to offer certified anonymous identification cards
Being the first to sign-up makes him the leader of anonymous

Menlo Park, CA - Facenook and Google issued a joint press release today, announcing a new program. Dubbed "AnonID", they will begin offering a service which verifies anonymity. They will collect data-which will be held in the strictest confidence-for the purpose of verifying a users' anonymous status, and issue an ID card certifying the authenticity of the anonymity. 

"Our Face Book Infrastructure Identity team, FBII, has determined that, for various reasons, some people are intent on freedom of information and uncensored communications" read the press release, in part. "We are addressing this need with our usual client-centered  focus. Our new AnonID service will allow for maximum privacy and the ability for persons to protect their anonymity. 

Biometric information, including retina scans and DNA samples, will be linked to anonymous user names and profiles. A card will be issued, with a holographic image and a 1024 bit encryption code, to ensure that a users' anonymity can not be stolen."

Public reception to the plan has been uneven. Some were enthusiastic. "I  can't wait" exclaimed Brad T. Rollings, a seventh grader from Orange County. My posse is gonna be soo jealous when they see my new AnonID! It's gonna be bitchin' dude!"

Others questioned the usefulness of such a service. "I don't get it" said Bob S. Wallows, a stay at home same sex domestic partner from West LA. "An ID to prove that you have no identity? That would be like asking people to register on a website to get emails of a secret plan. I'll grow a pussy-and stop growing a beard-before that will work!"

To stimulate demand, the first 100 million to sign up for the service will receive 10% off Guy Fawkes masks purchased online. An anonymous Visa card is rumored to be in development.

FaceBook seems clearly to be taking the lead on the AnonID project, yet Google claimed to be in partnership regarding the scheme. Our confidential sources at Google admitted their role was limited. "Yeah, well, people kept asking us 'what the heck is the plus in Google+' and we got tired of telling them it was just a marketing thing, there was nothing really positive about it" said one Google programmer. 

"So when Zuckerberg came up with this new scam, er, spam fighting idea, we decided to go along with it. What the hell, 750 million people, even 750 million idiots, counts for something...I guess the idea is, if ya throw enough shit against a wall, sooner or later some of it'll stick!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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