Google named as third party in divorce settlement

Written by Kate_UK

Monday, 18 July 2011

A landmark court case today has sensationally named the search engine Google as the third party in the divorce of Alsie and Laslie Harpoon of Yorkshire. Alsie filed for divorce, citing Mr Harpoon's "obsession" with the search engine "unreasonable".

"It started a few years ago," said Mrs Harpoon, "he just started using Google for more and more things and it began to take over our lives. There were three people in this marriage and one of them wasn't even a person." Mrs Harpoon says the final straw was discovering Mr Harpoon in bed with Google when he claimed to be "away on business".

"I knew there was something up for a long time," Alsie said today. "He used to come home from work and talk about the all his work friends - Yahoo!, Altavista, Ask Jeeves....but I never felt threatened by any of them. We even used to have a giggle together about that comedy butler. Ooh, he was funny. Then all of sudden, everything changed and all I heard about was Google, Google, Google. Little hussy. He'd be all 'It's Halloween, so they've replaced the Os with pumpkins' and he never cared how I felt."

The obsession gradually deepened as Google turned from a simple search engine into something that controlled both their lives.

When summoned to the bathroom to help bath the kids, Mr Harpoon refused as he couldn't find it on Google Maps. Asked simple questions, such as what he would like for dinner, he would Google to find the answer. When asked round to friends' houses for dinner, he sent his wife off and said that he would just "catch up with them on Streetview"

On one occasion, when held up at gunpoint, he was asked in the style of Robert de Niro "Are you feeling lucky, punk?". His answer - grasping for his phone and pressing the button to the bottom right of the main search box - momentarily confused his attacker and he was able to escape. Sadly, he was unable to summon police help as he first had to search for the emergency number and read a couple of reviews of the local police forces before he got round to it. By that time, the attacker was long gone.

Naturally, this was taking a toll on his relationship with Alsie. On Valentine's Day, when she received a Google Docs spreadsheet, she knew something was wrong but it wasn't until she walked in on her husband and Google in bed together that she was forced to confront the horrible truth.

"I asked him outright" she said "Me or Google? We've been married for 15 years, y'know!. It's all very well when a relationship is all new and shiny, like Chrome, but what is he going to do when she starts looking dated? When her features are looking old and there are even newer, younger models about? What then? Sooner or later he'll get bored of her".

So, what does Mr Harpoon have to say for himself? When his soon-to-be-ex wife posed this question - "Will he ever get bored of her?", his response was simple.

"I have two words for you" said Mr Harpoon, dreamily. "Google. Plus."

The decree absolute is expected within a few months.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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