'Five Guys' to Change Name to 'Three Guys and a Felon' After Board Meeting Fiasco

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Saturday, 5 February 2011


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Mayhem erupted in a Five Guys' board meeting, yesterday; with Guy 5 taking a meat cleaver to Guy 3 and butchering him up into mince meat. All of the other board members, Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 4 all agreed that Guy 5 really knew how to use a butcher knife.

The mayhem started just before Five Guys were about to send a new product to a test group for an evaluation. The product consisted of meat sauce that was to go into a spaghetti dish that Five Guys was trying to use to break into the pasta market.

At the onset of the meeting Guy 5 was really upset about being called Guy 5. He wanted to be called Guy 3. Apparently, all owners of Five Guys have changed their names for purposes of promoting their business. When the business was started, by Guy 1 and Guy 2, they needed other part owners to help finance the business venture. They ended up with three credible part owners and at their first board meeting, at the company's inception, came up with names for the other three guys.

During this meeting, one of the new members got up twice to pee. Upon seeing this all members agreed that he should be named Guy 3.

When they took an intermission from the meeting, one of the new members got to the door before anyone else, thus, he was named Guy 4.

During the meeting the last unnamed member kept fidgeting and scratching himself. When inquired as to why he was doing this, he replied that he had a bad case of hives, thus he was named Guy 5.

In the days leading up to yesterday's meeting, Guy 5 had been making waves about having his name changed from Guy 5 to Guy 3. Guy 5's reasoning was that he no longer had hives and that he actually pees more than Guy 3. When the other members of Five Guys scoffed at the idea, Guy 5 hid a beehive in Guy 3's office on the day of the meeting, so he would get stung. When the board meeting commenced, Guy 5 was going to point out the stings on Guy 3 and say they were hives.

The ruse didn't work, because the bees got loose in the office and stung the crap out of the other guys of Five Guys. Everyone, that is, except Guy 5 who had coated himself with a whole mess of bee repellent that he got on sale at a Burt's Bees outlet. Needless to say, Burt's Bees is where he bought the beehive, also.

When Guy 5's ruse was exposed in yesterday's meeting, Guy 5 became enraged and attacked Guy 3 and butchered him into very small pieces before any of the other Guys could react. In panic, all of the remaining Guys of Five Guys, decided to hide the minced Guy 3 in the meat sauce containers that were to be given to the test group until they could come up with a way to cover up the crime. Five Guys did not want the publicity of the incident to hit the press.

Once this was done, the Guys went about addressing the more immediate and pressing business of what to do about the company name, since there were no longer five Guys. Unbeknownst to the remaining owners, one of the company chefs served the meat sauce with Guy 3 in it to the test group.

The test group loved the meat sauce.

Before Five Guys could address the company name or market the meat sauce, a local police officer found a cable on Wikileaks that detailed the incident. Thus, Guy 3 was arrested and is now in jail facing charges of first degree murder.

After Guy 5's arrest, the board of decided that it was appropriate that the restaurant chain should be changed to Three Guys and a Felon.

Once the name was changed, Three Guys and a Felon was left to tackle the problem of how to supply their new spaghetti meat sauce with the appropriate meet. This problem was quickly solved by a barber who had a shop nearby.

His name is Sweeney Todd.

In related news the police detective who found the cable of the crime on Wikileaks, Detective Dick, had, also, found a cable that mentioned that his wife was leaving him for the Maytag repairman. That his daughter's visit to Afghanistan later that month was not a school project, but was for her to elope with Al Qaeda terrorist Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed and that his son's last report card had been embellished.

His son had changed one of his grades from a B to an A minus.

Right, now, the last person you would want to be is Detective Dick's son.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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