Recycled Smokeless Tobacco

Funny story written by Leddy

Sunday, 11 July 2010

My name is Tex Colten and I've been using smokeless (snuff, dip) tobacco for over ten years now and it's often occurred to me that the majority of the tobacco is being wasted. You take a pitch of the tobacco with your fingers and then place it between your cheek and gum, and then suck on it until all the favor is gone, then spit out the tobacco. What a waste, especially, since snuff tobacco is priced well over five dollars a can now and that might only last a big dipper, a day or so!

I also smoke hand rolled tobacco and it costs almost $2.25 a pouch now and going up. Taking these two economic woes into consideration and calculating that I spend approximately seven to eight dollars a day on tobacco, I decided to try an experiment that would cut my tobacco costs substantially but still keep me supplied with the same amount of nicotine that my metabolism requires on a daily basis.

My idea seemed strange at first, it had never been tried before to my knowledge, and I was going to be the first person to ever make a cigarette out of used and unwanted smokeless tobacco. I knew that if my idea was a success, then I would never have to buy another cigarette as long as I lived and the thought excited me!

I opened a fresh new can of my favorite snuff tobacco and took a man size pinch between my right thumb and forefinger, then, as I placed it between my cheek and gum, I skillfully followed underneath my fingers with the can, so that any falling crumbs wouldn't fall to the ground and be wasted. Wasting dip is taboo in the world of big dippers and being the pro that I am, I wasn't about to let any of the chaw (chew) go to waste.

I sucked on the tobacco for about an hour or so, slowly caressing it with my tongue and packing it deeper and harder into the recess of my inner lip. I spit out the juice every so often and smiled with pleasure as the nicotine from the snuff entered my system through worn places in my gum which satisfied my wildest desires and cravings beyond belief.

When the tobacco had lost all its flavor, I earnestly dug it out from between my cheek and gum, trying my best not to waste any. The chew was gooey, and full of non ejected spit from my mouth but I removed it anyway. I delicately placed the juicy mass of snuff, on the snuff can lid and then placed the metal lid on the window sill in the sun to dry.

I wasn't sure how long it would take for the sun light to dry the chaw but I waited in anticipation hoping that my experiment would work. I checked the drying snuff every so often with baited breath hoping that it was dry enough to roll into a cigarette but it seemed to take hours which caused me to suffer a great deal of anxiety.

Finally when the chew was dry, I grabbed a cigarette rolling paper and rolled it up. Placing the dip rolled cigarette to my lips, I pondered on the question, " Was I really the first person in the world to ever recycle tobacco for cigarettes?" The thought fascinated me like an inventor who try's out his invention for the first time. I scurried through my pockets for a match, and hurriedly struck one which ignited instantly and I fired up the hand rolled chaw (snuff) cigarette. It lit up slowly but soon started burning smoothly and to my surprise without and side runs.

I took a long drag of the smoke and then inhaled it into my lungs, the smoke was stronger than hell but that made it even that much more satisfying. I realized then that my discovery, my invention, my innovation was a complete success and that I would never have to buy regular cigarette tobacco again, and, the thought dawned on me that I could start selling my new recycled tobacco cigarettes for a profit. I wasn't sure what they were worth to others but I knew that I must never give away my manufacturing process for fear that someone else would steal my idea before I could get it patented.

I'm still thinking of a name for my new cigarettes, I might call them, "Second Chance," or "Big Dipper, Fine Smokes," but I am just not sure yet what to call'em. If you have any suggestions please let me know, Tex Colten

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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