Paramount, Lionsgate and MGM use EPIX to Wring a Few More Cents Out of its Library.

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

image for Paramount, Lionsgate and MGM use EPIX to Wring a Few More Cents Out of its Library.

Using "Too Fat For 40" -- 'Cop Out' Director Kevin Smith's hysterical 40th birthday celebration, filmed at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, NJ-- as a lure, three Hollywood movie studios, 50+ years removed from their heyday, will promote EPIXHD, the latest way to get you to pay for movies you bought on VHS from Caldor in 1995.

"Paramount, Lionsgate, and MGM are turning their biggest movies, original programming, and expansive library into revenue dollars," reads EPIXHD media kit, featuring their new slogan 'EPIX: Isn't it time you watched The Love Guru... Again?'

"We felt that what cable television needed was an innovative new channel that would let you watch feature-length movies, right on your TV," said Harry Sloan, president of MGM, where movies go to die in developmental hell. "It's like having a Home Box Office. Hey, we should copyright that: Home Box Office. I like it... What?"

MGM, in particular, really needs EPIXHD to succeed. While EPIX is available to tens of customers via Cox Cable and Dave's Kosher Deli and Cable TV Provider, hot properties like the "Red Dawn" remake, Joss Whedon's "The Cabin in the Woods," the Farrelly brothers' "The Three Stooges," and an ill-advised "Robocop" remake sit on MGM shelves, waiting for the studio to finance the productions.

"We're excited that EPIXHD is going to feature Kevin Smith's 'Too Fat For 40', said Anthony Rosania, a comedy writer based in Keyport, NJ, --a few miles from Leonardo, the setting for Smith's 'Clerks' and 'Clerks II: Ten Years Too Late'. "His show is so damned funny, it almost doesn't deserve to be released on a website that features sh-tburgers like 'BioDome' and 'Madonna: The Estrogen Replacement Therary Tour'."

Too Fat for 40 premiers this Saturday, October 23rd at 9:30pm ET on EPIX and the EPIXHD website.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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