Wall Street holds the baby over the balcony while "Capital" Hill debates and votes on bailout

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

image for Wall Street holds the baby over the balcony while "Capital" Hill debates and votes on bailout
Whatever you do, don't wakeup the baby!

New York, New York - Today a militant group of Wall Street investment bankers dressed in black ankle length overcoats, wearing shaded sunglasses and gay fedora hats stood on the opening and closing balcony of the New York Stock Exchange. Overlooking the floor, they stood silently ready to ring this morning's opening bell.

After they rang it, traders below began busily trading. Few noticing afterwards that they lingered longer than is customarily allowed. Before anyone noticed, suddenly and simultaneously, they through open their overcoats, exposing a dozen babies that they had concealed underneath their overcoats.

With militarily precision, the militant investment bankers then preceded to un-strap the babies from their chests' and held them over the balcony, the infants suckling on their pacifiers hardly aware of their peril.

Far below cheers and applause arose from the traders on the exchange floor that did not stop their transactions, even as they looked up in a passing glance at the tiny tots dangerously dangling above their heads.

"We all knew what they were doing," said a trader on the floor, holding back tears. "I just I wish I was up their with them, holding a baby over the balcony, too."

As uninterrupted trading on the floor continued business as usual, an announcement blared over the trading exchange floor.

"If Congress does not pass the 750 billion dollar bailout by the end of today's closing bell, we'll let go of theses babies," said a confidant male voice. "Letting them free fall, leaving their fate to the laws of physics. Unless Congress intercedes on our behalf and suspend the laws of Capitalism, saving us."

Suddenly, all stopped trading on the floor and all let out a collective gasp.

"Ah, Correction," said the voice, now cracking, obviously nervous. "I misspoke. I meant to say One trillion dollars. Not 750 billion dollars."

With that, cheers and applause once again arose from the exchange floor as trading quickly resumed.

Police attempted to enter the exchange, but they were held at bay with locked and blocked doors.

All throughout the day, traders looked up as if to reassure themselves that they were protected by some magical talisman and that no harm would come to them so long as those babies were held, feet dangling, over the stock exchange opening and closing bell balcony.

Although the babies were humanely cared for and at no time were in no real danger as each was attached to a hidden second safety harness and each pulled back over the balcony to be personally breastfeed by a supermodel of their choice, authorities later arrested the militant investment bankers for reckless endangerment of a minor.

"It's obvious that we misjudged the lack of integrity of the Congress," said one trader on the floor, attempting to regain his composer. "And overestimated our scare tactics perpetrated on the American people during the dynamic duo of doom (Paulson and his sidekick, Bernanke), Pre-Haunted Halloween Investment House Weekend Tour on FOX TV and all the rest of the FOX network wannabe affiliates."

At least one of the militant group of Wall Street investment bankers plans to return to the scene of the crime, as soon as they can after contact their lawyer and make bail.

"I guess our government doesn't care about the innocent lives hanging in the balance," said one of the militant Wall Street investment bankers, as he was taken away in handcuffs after the closing bell. "That was symbolized by our hanging babies over the stock exchange gallery. So, I guess it's up to us to take it up a notch. Who knows, tomorrow we may use puppies."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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