BUENOS AIRES, Argentina - (Satire News) - One of the greatest soccer players in history, Lionel Cabeza Messi has just announced his retirement.
The man who spent more than half his life wearing short shorts says that he is only 35, but his legs, arms, head, feet, and crotch feel like they're 75.
He noted that every night he has to eat two bowls of fiber cereal and wash it down with a whole bottle of Geritol.
Messi, no relation to the infamous Kansas pole dancer, Shannon "Maracas" Messi, has just purchased his first of what he says will be many taco trucks.
