LOBSTERVILLE, Connecticut – (Satire News) – A spokesman for the famous sandwich franchise is denying reports that were allegedly put out by a member of the American Nazi Party.
Bruno Dirtenhoffen, 42, who is the sergeant-at-arms of the ANP, told a reporter with the local television station that the two roast beef sandwiches he recently ate at Subway contained jellyfish and not roast beef.
Dirthoffen noted that he is the three-time fishing champion of Connecticut, so he knows what jellyfish tastes likes.
He commented that one of the roast beef sandwiches tasted like it contained about 97% jellyfish, and the second one he felt contained 99% jellyfish, with a slight smidgen of octopus.
Subway officials have called Dirtenhoffen a disgruntled Nazi, and they will be revealing that they’ve just learned in the last week, that he has ingested large amounts of Peruvian Marching Dust (cocaine), Durango Bango (Marijuana), and Plunk (okra extract mixed with heroin).
In his defense, Dirtenhoffen's attorney told the news media his client suffers from a medical condition that causes him to falsely test positive for 29 different types of illegal drugs.