Written by C/L

Monday, 8 April 2019

image for Drug Cartel Sues Energy Drink Corporation over Trademark Infringement

Earlier this week, 'The Office of Envigado,' (former enforcement wing of the Medellin Cartel that inherited their turf and business connections)(source Wikipedia) in a stunning move; filed a lawsuit in the Seventh Circuit, US District Court for the Northern District of Illinois. Filed: April 5, 2019 as 4:2066cv66666.

The Office of Envigado claims that its earlier incarnations invented the proprietary brand 'Cocaine', and that SleazSquid Power Drinks INC. has infringed upon its "implied trademark," by marketing and selling a new "energy powder additive," for one of its popular energy drinks called 'Cocaline.'

Attorneys for Envigado claim that the Cocaline powder is too similar in appearance to cocaine, and that there are documented cases in which people have been using the powder like, "Straight up cocaine," snorting the substance in raves, nightclubs, high school bathrooms, fast-food booths, car dashboards, kitchen counters, elevators, and off of long pinky nails.

Attorneys for SleazSquid argue that "Cocaline powder is packaged with its Cocaline Power Drink, and is not marketed to be sold separately or used against label directions. SleazSquid cannot be held responsible for after market use or abuse."

Press coverage of incidents involving Cocaline drew the attention of Envigado after the State Department and the Drug Enforcement Agency, filed a formal complaint with the Columbian Government to place greater pressure on the cartel.

The Envigado Cartel became enraged with SleazSquid for upsetting the long standing Government trend of complacency regarding cocaine deaths in the US. In an press release to the New York Times, Envigado stated, "We're very fucking angry with SleazSquid! They sell this energy drink that tastes like bull-piss, which is bad enough. Now they sell one of their shit-drinks with this fake coke-powder, that's giving little rich brats the idea that they can snort any amount, anywhere, anytime. No wonder these, "Spring-break-assholes," are dropping like flies from heart attacks and strokes.

SleazSquid stands by its Cocaline powder additive stating, "The ingredients in Cocaline powder are nothing more than pulverized caffeine pills, lidocaine, and a secret proprietary ingredient," when Envigado appealed to the court to compel SleazSquid to reveal this. SleazSquid moved to deny the appeal. After losing their appeal to deny the request, SleazSquid presented documentation showing that the secret additive was nothing more than confectionery sugar.

In an unprecedented decision, the court ruled that, "Due to Cocaline being comprised of legal substances, it poses a far greater threat to the public versus illegal cocaine. Cocaine is much more readily perceived by the public as a potentially lethal hazard, where as Cocaline presents itself as a deceptively safe, and legal alternative to its illegal counter part. People are more likely to abuse cocaine in a more responsible manner as opposed to Cocaline powder."

The SleazSquid Corporation has ceased marketing the powder separately from the drink, and has now added it directly to the drink itself. As a result, sales of Cocaline have plummeted, and SleazSquid is looking to retire the drink indefinitely.

Envigado's representative stated that, "We are extremely pleased. We weren't pursuing damages because after all, cocaine is illegal, and we are doing very well with our sales. This suit was more of a punitive action, designed to preserve the reputation and integrity of our cocaine product. If people want to snort shit, then they're going to have to grow some balls and just play Russian roulette with the real fucken deal!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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