Written by Gee Pee

Tuesday, 21 August 2018

image for PETA Rescues Animal Crackers; Poachers and Hunters Overjoyed
Paul Bunyan: "PETA will exterminate Babe over my dead body!"

Nabiscuit, owner of Humbug's Animal Crackers, under pressure from the People for the Extermination of Animals (PETA), has done “the unthinkable,” Greg Shee Ann, the Acting Director of the United States Fish and Wildlife Service, whined.

The company acknowledged it has released the wild animals shown on its animal crackers' familiar red-and-yellow package. “They're no longer caged,” spokesperson Con Mann said.

PETA protested to Nabiscuit's parent company, Jamaica Mon D. Lay, demanding that the package, which originally showed the animals in cages, be redesigned. The extermination organization's Chief Propagandist, Polly T. Korrecknuss, wrote, “We demand that Nabiscuit update its packaging to show animals free to roam their natural habitats, where poachers and hunters can thin out the herds.”

The red-and-yellow box is the same, except that it shows wild animals on the loose.

“The company, in a flagrant disregard for public safety, has released into grocery stories across the United States and around the world, such ferocious wild animals as lions, tigers, and bears, oh my,” Shee Ann sobbed. “There are even gorillas in the mix, rather than in the mist.”

Nabiscuit also added a zebra, an elephant, and a giraffe to show that “not all animals are predators,” Korrecknuss observed. “Still, it's best not to feed or to antagonize them; even an elephant, a giraffe, or an ass can be dangerous if provoked.” The company even threw in a few acacia trees to remind consumers to “be mindful of the planet's greenery.”

PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Rei-Mann is “happy” that her organization was successful in bullying a major food manufacturer into “complying with our demands,” as it will make the control (a euphemism for “extermination”) of wild animals all that much easier. “Poachers and hunters are overjoyed, too,” she said.

Critics contend the package redesign is “just another Nabiscuit gimmick,' citing the company's 1995 “endangered species [cookie] collection,” a percentage of the proceeds of which went to the World Wildlife Fund and its 1997 “zoo collection,” some of the profits for which were funneled to the American Zoo and Aquarium Association.

“Not only has the public been endangered by this irresponsible tactic,” Shee Ann charged, “but so have the wild animals themselves. Thanks to PETA, humans and beasts alike have targets on their backs.”

Note: No animals, wild or domestic, were hurt in the writing of this article, except for the author's cat, Tigress, who happened to switch her tail under the rocker of the writer's rocking chair while the chair, unfortunately, was on the downstroke. Tigress went promptly to the vet, who pronounced her “fit as a fiddle,” whatever that means.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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