CEOs Form Labor Union,"Justice For Capitalists"

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Sunday, 6 April 2014

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CEOs and CFOs of major U.S. financial institutions have formed a labor union called "Justice For Capitalists."

The new group is a pushback response to a movement among shareholders across the U.S. to take back executive salaries and bonuses when their actions cost their companies huge regulatory fines, legal settlements and disastrous drops in stock prices.

"Screw company shareholders. It's they who should shoulder the burden of executive officers mistakes, messes, and unethical practices. That's the risk they take when their Boards hire us," stated an angry JPMorgan Chase chief Jamie Dimon, president of the new CEO-CFO Labor Union at a press conference today.

Dimon got a 74% pay hike for last year, even though the bank was forced to pay billions in fines and settlements then. One member of the Board who gave the raise said, off the record, "I don't give a rat's ass what the shareholders think."

Dimon is an example used by shareholders in the movement to make them accountable for their actions by getting companies to enact suitable legal provisions.

But it is the disastrous decisions made by General Motor's executives, after they became aware of faulty ignition switches in its Chevrolet Cobalts 10 years ago, that has sparked activity among shareholders of many companies.

GM decided that 90 cents was too much to pay to pay for faulty ignition switches that have been linked to deaths and injuries. It appears that shareholders will have to pay for millions in fines, settlements and lack of trust for this immoral, obtuse decision. The GM executives will not have to return their millions in salaries.

When the new Union Chief Jamie Dimon was asked at today's press conference what he thought about the giant coal company Alpha Natural Resources CEO, Kevin Crutchfield, getting a $2 million dollar bonus when their stock prices are tumbling and their outlook dim he responded:

"Why not? Why should Kevin be treated differently than any other major company CEO?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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