Chancellor Hails Balham as a Model for His New Style Economy

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 2 December 2014


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Friendly community police gear up for chancellor's visit

During an unannounced flying visit today, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, accompanied by the alcohol sodden Downing Street press corps, praised the advances made by Balham's local economy.

Venturing out of the bounds of his Westminster bunker is a risky business these days following the debacle of the Chancellor's appearance at the Paralympics in 2012 where he was surprisingly subjected to boos and hoots of derision. Accordingly he travelled by armoured train for his 15 minute journey south of the Thames while Balham residents found themselves confined outside a kilometre square exclusion zone set up for the Chancellor's security.

"Balham has a thriving economy and Balham High Road should become the template for the style of economy which I am trying to bring to the United Kingdom. I look around me and I am proud to see people working hard to bring my vision to fruition. Where else can you see countless shiny, brightly lit estate agents' offices full of thrusting young men and women all trying to sell properties at vastly over inflated prices alongside rows of charity shops, tiny Asian corner shops and the salt of the earth 99p Store, staffed by students on work experience and eastern Europeans on zero hours contracts? I am particularly impressed by the entrepreneurial spirit shown for example by the Big Issue seller underneath the railway bridge and the beggars around the tube station. Of course it is in the evening when Balham really comes alive as the local populace locks its doors and leaves the streets to the incoming hordes of binge drinkers."

George Osborne is 43 and ½, was formerly known as Gideon, is heir to the Osborne baronetcy, has never had a proper job and is a smug shit.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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