WHEN PIGS FLY, NJ - Police officers are famous for their fondness for doughnuts, and, recently, one of Winslow Township's finest showed his appreciation of the sweets in dramatic fashion--by ramming his cruiser--actually, an SUV--through the front window of one of the Berlin, New Jersey, stores.
Witnesses say the officer, whose name authorities refuse to release, appeared to be either inebriated or mentally disturbed, and possibly both.
"That pig be, like, get out my way," Cornelius ("Corny") Smith told reporters, "and he be waving his piece all over the place, like he be all inebriated or something, like he be at Drunken Donuts, instead of Dunkin' Donuts."
"Yeah, that pig be psycho, for sure," Nadine Johnson declared. "He be ranting like he late for the trough."
"He use his gun to shoot out the front of the display case and start grabbing whole handfuls of donuts," Marva Short claimed. "That pig be pigging out!"
The "accident," as police are calling the incident, occurred just after 11:00 AM Friday morning, immediately after the officer's vehicle collided with a soccer mom's car full of children.
"Them kids could [have] been hurt," Myron ("The Whizzer") James said, "all cuz that pig want a sugar rush. He need to be in rehab--or jail."
The crash caused "extensive" damage to the storefront, manager Leroy Brothers said, "and the pigs going to pay for what he done."
At the scene of the incident, the officer told investigators that "a sign posted near the front entrance of the store indicated they have drive-in service; I took them at their word."
The police department confirmed that the officer sustained "minor injuries," but he said, "It was worth it."
For his part, Brothers wishes "the pigs" would not patronize his store anymore. "We reserve the right to serve drunks and crazies," he said.