The International Children's Song Contest is coming to town, and Sgt Bob Smith of the Queensland Police is none too happy.
Headline acts for the show include the Arnot sisters, Rose and Rikki, who have been described by Sgt Smith as 'hearing a drunken monkey getting thrown out of every pub on my beat on a Saturday night' who will attempt to enthrall audiences with their renditions of the Bette Midler classic 'Glory of Love' and other such ballads.
Sgt Smith has also set up a 5-person telephone Complaint Board on his beat, which will handle complaints from the public regarding the contest, and which singers to arrest for talentlessness.
Of another performer who wishes to remain anonymous, Sgt Smith and his officers described her as a 'total scumbag, who when she sings sounds like a cross between a fire truck siren, a train horn, and a group of cats all having their tail pulled at once. She is also extremely vain, wears more makeup than Ronald McDonald, and changes boyfriends more often than she does clothing styles.'
The Anti-Twelvie Division will also be setting up patrols in other major shopping centres to keep twelvies out of their turf and hopefully, as one officer put it, 'keep the good shoppers in and the mallrats out.'