Wallmark to Introduce New Line of Sympathy Cards for Victims of Gun Violence

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 16 June 2014


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KANSAS CITY, MO---The NRA, ever vigilant against liberal, extremist groups who want to take away citizens' right to bear arms, now has an enemy's list. In addition to Wallmark Cards, among its many targets are Britney Spears, the YWCA, AARP, B'nai B'rith, the PTA, and Ben and Jerry's.

Somewhat controversially, Wallmark bans guns at its corporate headquarters but doesn't ban them at its Gold Town stores, a policy that has come under increasing scrutiny from those individuals and groups advocating for stricter gun control laws.

To show that Wallmark is sensitive to the issue of gun violence, the CEO of Wallmark, Nathaniel J. Wallmark, Jr., has said that the company will come out with a new line of sympathy cards, based loosely on its earlier cards and targeted toward the families of the victims of gun violence.

Here are a few samples:

May the memory of her smile
Warm you like the sun.
May the memory of her laughter
Echo in your heart.
May the light of your best memories
Enrich all of your days
Now that she's gone,
Done in by a nut with a gun.

Praying God,
Who understands
Our very deepest needs,
Will deliver unto you
A gun to hunt down
That worthless SOB
Who shot him needlessly.

At a time like this,
It's hard to keep on
Without the person
Who was just mowed down.

But so many of us who care
Are here to support you
While you plant
Your young'un
Six feet under.

Her life is your legacy,
Her love was her gift . . .
Until some ass with an AR-15
Left you bereft
Of her and twenty
Other innocent teens.
May he burn in Hell.

When a special loved one
Is suddenly gunned down,
All we can do is trust
In the Lord
That the worthless
Piece of shit
Who runs the NRA
Will burn forever
And a day.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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