Whole Foods Go Ghetto

Written by janet eve josselyn

Friday, 6 September 2013

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On Wednesday, a manufacturer of "Whole Foods" announced that it plans to build a store in the poorest and most dangerous section of Chicago.

The Englewood neighborhood, 10 miles south of downtown, experienced a 40% increase in homicides last year. "Boarded up homes are on the rise and fresh food options are limited," according to co-chief executive Walter Rabe.

"Just because you are poor and you may be inclined to kill people, you should have access to Chateua Briand with Korean Kim Chi glaze," according to Mr. Rabe. "Living in a boarded up neighborhood should not preclude you from being able to enjoy a crème caramel duo mouse shot after dinner. And we are committed to ensuring that no one is deprived of Organic Sonoma Spelt Bread because they don't have the money to buy it because they spent all their money on crack."

"We have asked the people of Englewood what they want," Mr. Rabe said, "because we want to serve the neighborhood's needs. Mache rosettes and cajun remoulade, we can do. We can also do the locally-sourced organic vegan toilet paper. Just can't do the Oxycontin."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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